For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
