remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We named our party play list daddy issues
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
