I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
