Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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