Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my being single is dangerous.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
