bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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