I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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