How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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