so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
