Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
