Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Please, let me fuck your mom
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
