When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
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Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i think im in europe. pls send help
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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