The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
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I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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