living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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