I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
