thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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