Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize