dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
