i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
