Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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