my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
being pregnant is like rehab
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
