my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
