Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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