I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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