"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
