i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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