so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
