And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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