I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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