No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
