I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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