I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
