Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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