Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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