I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
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I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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