i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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