I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
