We need to rekindle our bromance
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
