that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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