Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
