dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
