my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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