What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
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so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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