apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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