anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
