chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wish you could order shots online.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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