just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
if only i could text you this smell
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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