the condom got lost in my hair
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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