So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
