there's paper in my vomit.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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