I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
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She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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