How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
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What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
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By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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