I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
