Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
