apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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