4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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