She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
