what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
