I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
